CORRESPONDENCE WITH BORIS JOHNSONS

TO: BORIS JOHNSONS MP
Britain is flabby, Johnsons. Sadistically run military institutions are needed, to whip the flabby shamblers into shape. Why has Britain declined? Junk food and not enough press-ups, that is why. Youth with testicles of steel are what we must create. Blood-thirsty killers who aren't afraid to do fifty mile route marches in the freezing drizzle with nothing to chew but string. England is crying out for such men.

I'm starting a new political party, and that is why I am writing. We could use a guy like you. We are looking to attract people disillusioned with the Tories. The modern Conservative Party is an old man wanking into a sock. You have to admit that. And look at Howard. A husk of a man, despised by all, prematurely bald from self-abuse. Is this what we fought the Falklands for? If we love our country, he must hang.

The vision we are trying to establish is a new kind of democracy, a democracy based on press-ups. We rise at five and breakfast frugally on oats while our opponents are still slumbering like hogs. Our answer to inflation, youth unemployment and the pension crisis is the same: press-ups. England expects that every man shall do his press-ups. The innocent have nothing to fear.


JOHNSONS REPLIES:
Thank you very much for your kind message.

M Crawshay-Williams
Boris Johnson's Office

PS Please spell the name correctly! (no s at end of Johnson).


TO: BORIS JOHNSONS MP
Thank you very much for your kind reply. But did you ask Mr Johnsons if he wants to join our new political party? What did he say? I could discuss it with him over the phone, if he's still not sure. When would be a good time to call?

There is no time to lose. We must strike now, while the fiend Blair is still off-balance.


JOHNSONS REPLIES:
Any chance of spelling his name correctly? It would be much appreciated.

M Crawshay-Williams
Boris Johnson's Office


TO: BORIS JOHNSONS MP
Sir Johnson plays his cards close to his chest! I respect that. He needs time to think, see which way the wind is blowing. That's understandable. But soon he'll have to come off the fence.

Just between us girls, which way do think he's leaning? Do you think he's interested? Please hint that there might be a peerage in it for him when we come to power. We're hoping to get Portillo on board, as well.

When would be a good time to discuss this with you? Could we fix an appointment for next week?


JOHNSONS REPLIES:
Thank you very much for your kind message.

M Crawshay-Williams
Boris Johnson's Office


TO: BORIS JOHNSONS MP
I'm afraid that doesn't help very much. Perhaps it would be better if I spoke to Sir Johnson in person. When he told you he wasn’t interested, it might have just been to protect against leaks. I’m not saying that you would do that.

The time has come to go straight to the big guy, the head cheese. I could pop by the House of Commons next week if that would suit him. How do I arrange security clearance?


JOHNSONS REPLIES:
Please ----- is there any chance of you getting Boris Johnson's name right???? He is not a Sir btw.

Thanks for your interest.

M Crawshay-Williams
Boris Johnson's Office


TO: BORIS JOHNSONS MP
He's not a sir? Well he should be, and it's a scandal that he isn't. Damn that Blair.

When can I call Mr Boris to discuss our proprosal?

By the way, would YOU like to join our movement? We're still looking for a candidate for Glasgow Govan, and 617 other constituencies. But you gotta be tough. The press are gonna come for us like a herd of locusts.


JOHNSONS REPLIES:
Bet they're tough.

Have you seen our website and put some comments on?

http://www.boris-johnson.com/

M Crawshay-Williams
Boris Johnson's Office


TO: BORIS JOHNSONS
It isn't websites we need: it's vision.

I think Sir Johnson is getting cold feet.


NO REPLY



Sir Johnson enjoys a refreshing snooze in the House of Commons.
- posted by Harry Hutton @ 3:14 pm